Lauren Leto

How to Fake Like You’ve Read Kerouac

Posted in book porn by Lauren Leto on January 13, 2010

How To Fake Like You’ve Read Kerouac

If you’re trying to present yourself  as someone who knows how to chill, let’s review Jack Kerouac.

1. Gotta pronounce Kerouac correctly. CARE [like the bear that your slutty friend dressed up as for Halloween] – O [like the face] – ACK [like that sound your mom made when you accidently sent her those naked pictures of you instead of your significant other].

2. Unlike Salinger, many people will name Kerouac’s most famous book, On the Road as their favorite Kerouac book. Big Sur is often a close second. Scrutinize the person you are talking to – On the Road Kerouac fans are a little less unkempt than those who are Big Sur fanatics. If someone’s favorite book by Kerouac is The Dharma Bums, step away slowly.

3. Everyone’s favorite quote is Kerouac’s quote from On the Road that starts out, “the only people for me are the mad ones…”.  You should quote this as your favorite, “I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop”. If the person you are talking to quotes that before you, watch out – you’re wrestling with a real literati.

4. Kerouac was bipolar and it was during a manic episode that he wrote all of On the Road. Look down and mutter, “sometimes it’s a gift. The most talented people…”.

5. Talk about how you can’t believe the amount of smoking and drinking that goes on, and if you want an easy out, segue the conversation into a talk about Mad Men and how much that show makes you want to drink old-fashioneds. If you are unable to do so, move on to the points below.

6. Bring up how Kerouac had the coolest friends. Allen Ginsberg (poet who wrote Howl), Timothy Leary (the “turn on, tune in, drop out” LSD head) and Ken Kesey (the guy who wrote that awesome book that got made into an awesome movie with the awesome actor Jack Nicholson – One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest).

7. Bring up how On the Road inspired you to take a road trip with friends (bonus points if you say you did it alone). Big Sur inspired you to go camping. The Dharma Bums inspired you to smoke more pot. The Subterraneans is why you started listening to jazz. Say you haven’t gotten to Visions of Cody because you’re saving it for the train trip you’re planning to take across the country.

8. Your favorite part of On the Road is when they’re in Mexico and Sal is watching the little Mexican girl sweeping. Watch out, this passage has a bit of a pedophile feel to it, so don’t tout this while you’ve got this on (maybe NSFW):

Full list here.

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12 Responses

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  1. Darren said, on January 13, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Replace Timothy Leary with William Burroughs, drop the Kesey reference and your post will have a little more cred amongst us hipsters.

    Now, where’s my benzedrine dropper…

  2. […] Leto – How to Fake Like You Read Kerouac Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Almanacco del Giorno – 4 Jan. 2009Almanacco del […]

  3. Eric said, on March 8, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    How to pretend you know Keroac? “Step away” from anyone who digs Dharma Bums? Never heard of an anti-intellectual pseudo-intellectual before, but you certainly seem to fit the profile. You should DEFINITELY go with that fedora tomorrow – popular fashion choice of the modern American fake-o.

    Oh, and you hate Futurama too? Good lord, you MUST be from hell (too much?).


    • Lauren Leto said, on March 9, 2010 at 10:35 am

      Chill out

    • Omar H said, on June 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

      haha, I think what the author was getting at was some sort of comic relief… duh.

  4. *ndl*ss c*ck *nd *ndl*ss b*lls said, on April 21, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Kerouac didn’t write On the Road during a “manic episode.” He was just high on bennies. :\

  5. Anonymous said, on September 10, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    This is fucking hilarious.

  6. Count Nicholas Czardas said, on May 3, 2014 at 8:13 am

    Great blog post. You accidentally sent naked pics to your mom ?

  7. Marc said, on December 28, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Extremely useful, thank you. the “burn burn burn” quote is actually one of my favorite quotes of all time, but i have never heard anyone else speak of it, you hero. I read 15 pages of Dharma Bums but it was too neurotic even for my degraded values, so i think your advice is sound. Keep up the good work

  8. Marc said, on December 28, 2014 at 1:14 am

    Actually, i thought it was our advice but it is mine, if someone says they like “dharma bum” walk away slowly…

  9. T. Anthony III said, on August 30, 2015 at 11:46 pm

    This was just what I was hoping to read at the moment I clicked “Search” on Google. How did Google become “the Internet” when in conversation, someone’s like, “I’m on the internet,”? Haha. Random, I know, it just came to me.

    Also. For the madcap critic who made the fedora remark, first off, I agree with his “attack” of the fake-o’s as he’s called the, lol, but as far as this author is concerned, totally didn’t make sense or fit. Firstly, she’s not wearing a fedora, so, and by the way, I’ve yet to write any research studies or conduct control groups on the Psychological Phenomena of Fedora Trolls from Reddit Imvading the Internet, though it’d probably be a great paper, as long as I was writing it lol, back to the point, so, yeah, didn’t know that girls wore fedoras too – I always thought it was heavyset nacho cheese stained bearded guys with VR-Goggle like prescription frames my Grandma would’ve never worn and she was mad old? Just curious.

    Secondly. Eric, like I said, I’ve got no issue with your criticism towards the fake crowd, but this girls blog was an amazingly hilarious piece on a true story, especially today’s generation walking around with the On The Road DVDS Boxset or watching it on their iPad Amazon movie account while sitting on an old skateboard with plastic wheels and no bearings purchased for 100 bucks at Toys R Us. But, her comment that you shat on, about the person you’re speaking to, quoting from Dharma Bums, I mean, she made sense there. She said, “Walk away” meaning that whoever is actually reading this for the steps to use during their conversations at a cafe or some eclectic, postmodern hangout where poetry is read at open mic, and they are using this to “make believe” they know Kerouac, then don’t speak about On The Road as your favorite book, choose Dharma Bums. UNLESS, a person brings Dharma Bums up first, then of course, this dude is a real classic literature aficionado and he most likely will quote shit you’ve never heard of obviously.

    These rules, firstly are a satirical list, but in all seriousness, people out there are loving this because you can flaunt all you want online, listing authors and books, searching ThinkExist or BrainyQuotes for excerpts from a famous author you’ve never read but know is “hip” BUT when these people are caught in a conversation face to face, they should know a few things, according to this blog writer, to say or do to shut a conversation off so they don’t really have to go deeply into details. But if the other person starts speaking indepth and excitedly about a well known highly uncommon and unpopular book, except only to “true” followers of his spontaneous prose, it’ll be one very embarrassing night and their life will have been ruined! Lol.

    Believe me, personal experience of bumping into assh?les as bars who make it their job to humiliate someone or pick a fight over something “trivial” or relative to the creative and performing arts legends and classics and greats. Example, I had this awesome hoodie, from Hot Topic. I don’t shop there but back in 05 I saw a black hoodie of the Ramones logo with Tommy in it, which is my name, but also, that was a great lineup. Now, I’m 31, and I love music, as I’m a writer, musician, etc., and I know many Ramones songs, but I’m not honestly into the band THAT much. This douche was like, “Nice hoodie.” Then after my reply in thanks, he said straight faced and cockily sarcastic, “What’s your favorite song?” Truth be told, popular or not, the only one I ever liked was “Wanna Be Sedated” and “Blister in the Sun”. Yeah so effin what they’re radio worthy songs. Ended up spitting on his face and slapping him backhand for trying to embarrass me like I’m some flaming idiot. I don’t go around like that. But people do. Today, there’s tons of people who dress their bookshelves with unopened books only to attract others. But if they were ever questioned on them? Another story.

    I always wondered as a young boy, how people could remember a book on their shelf and immediately explain the story to them, “this one here is good, BLAH this, and BLAH that….” And do it for ALL their books. But as I grew up, I’ve understood it better as I can tell you about my books too.

    Great post. Screw that troll. He probably came here as a pseudo-intelligent fleatard in dire need of lessons in Kerouac faking. Lol

  10. Anonymous said, on February 19, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Why pretend you’ve read Kerouac why not just read his golden words

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